Go on, ask her.
No, you.
I just wanna get my book signed.
Miss Sparkle...
...l think I've only had three classes of orgasms.
How do I get to the sixth or seventh?
You need to experiment. Try a new lover. Try several.
But in your book...
That was divine. Do you take requests?
Well, what's your desire?
Your pleasure.
You ready for number four?
Yes!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, God!
Yeah. Yeah, don't stop. Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!
My name is Mary.
And I'm 14 years old...
...and I'm a virgin.
My pussy's never been touched by a big cock before...
...and I want you to fuck me.
Here's my pussy.
I want you to tak e your big cock...
...and I want you to shove it up my ass.
A boy has never seen my tits before.
- Jenny. - Come in.
Jenny, you have no idea what's...
No, this is not what I want.
You have the wrong idea about this. Please...
- ls that my camera? - Yep. And I'm gonna use it now.
And that's my tape of Shane and Carmen.
I don't really think that's your tape.
Look, I know what you think of me right now.
I know I don't have a good track record...
- You violated us. - I wanna make a documentary.
- You are violating us. - I know.
You have crossed every line of trust.
And don't you dare tell me this was for the sake of art.
Please, watch my documentary. You know me.
You'll understand. It's not what you think it is.
I know that I crossed the line. I know that I went too far with this.
Look, when I moved here, this was just something I did, you know?
- But you have to know... - Do you have any sisters?
Yes, I have two younger sisters.
Okay. I want you to ask them a question.
And the most important thing is that you really listen to their answer.
I want you to ask your sisters about the very first time...
...that they were intruded upon by some man...
...or a boy.
Why do you think they've been intruded upon?
Because there isn't a single woman in this world...
...that hasn't been intruded upon.
And sometimes it's relatively benign.
And sometimes it's so fucking painful...
...that you have no idea...
...what this feels like.
For what it's worth, I already began taking down the cameras.
And I will take down the rest of them today.
I'm gonna tell Shane now what I've done.
- You guys can talk... - No.
- You don't have to speak to me again. - I said, no.
You're not gonna talk to Carmen and you're not gonna talk to Shane.
You're not gonna wreck their vacation and fuck with their lives anymore.
I'm gonna decide...
...when you can take those rapey cameras down.
Now get the fuck out of my room.
- There you go. - Thank you.
- Yeah, thanks. - Here you go.
And what would you like today?
I'll have an organic salad and a caffè americano.
Okay.
And what would you like?
I'd like to know if the lady will join me for lunch.
Benjamin, I'm really busy.
And what would you like?
Then dinner, followed by breakfast in bed.
You're listening to KCRW.
This is Alice Pieszecki of The Chart.
Today my special guest on The Chart is my girlfriend, Dana Fairbanks.
- Now, Dana... - Hi.
Okay... who is responsible for today's piece of interconnectedness.
Dana got invited to speak on the Lifestyle Leadership Panel...
...on an Olivia Cruise for women...
- For gay women, actually. - Okay.
It's called Lesbian Dynamics: Love and Friendship.
And it's gonna be me and Phoebe Sparkle, and...
Sorry, Dana, I'm not really ready to go there yet.
So she's taking me, and also our friends...
- Sorry. - ...Jenny, Shane and Carmen.
Now, just to digress for a minute into Lesbian Linkage 101...
...originally Shane and Carmen hooked up...
...but now Carmen is seeing Jenny...
...who's totally coming out of the closet.
You can't tell them that, Alice.
Anyway, back to the big web of connectivity.
One of my major idols, Phoebe Sparkle...
...a brilliant writer and acclaimed sexpert...
And she's a very nice...
What she is going to be doing is speaking on the panel with Dana.
Hi, Mom.
As you can see, I have all our family pictures here.
And I'm videotaping this...
...because I have a couple of questions for you about Zayda.
I would like to know...
...if Zayda lost his mind when he began to transcribe the Torah by hand...
...or did that cause him to lose his mind?
Do you remember the day they took him away?
And then I wanted to ask you questions about Grandma.
Or, Grandma, if you're watching this...
...l wanted to ask you questions about your experience in Auschwitz.
I wanted to know if when you arrived in Auschwitz...
...did they separate you from your daughter?
And I wanted to know...
...if you remember the name of the unterscharführer...
...who took your arm and branded you with that tattoo.
Do you remember his eyes?
Do you remember if he used a steel plate...
...or did he use a needle?
I'm really sorry to interrupt.
I just wanted to say hello. But I can come back at another time if...
- No, it's okay. - Are you sure?
Yeah. I'm just working on a project about my family.
- This is my family. - Oh, my goodness.
And I'm making a tape for my mom.
Say hi to my... This is my friend Carmen.
Hello, Mrs. Schecter.
And that is my mom.
She's beautiful.
Yeah.
- Have you packed? - No.
Do you want me to help you start or something?
I totally forgot. I've just been so engrossed in this project.
And I'm really into it, so I've decided I'm not gonna come on the trip.
I want you to go away with Shane.
- What? - Yep.
With Shane? Why...?
Yeah, because I think you guys will have a blast together.
Jenny, absolutely not. You are not going to pull out of this.
- You know... - No excuses. No, you're coming.
This is not an excuse. When Burr Connor fired me...
The best thing that came out of that was he was like:
"You gotta tell the truth about your life.
And you have to be truthful about your work."
That's all I wanna do, just tell the fucking truth.
All right, okay, fine, fine. Here's a truth:
I would like to go with my girlfriend, so, you know...
Who's that?
It's you.
Please just tell me the truth.
Yes, do you think we could pull these straps up a little?
Because this is what I want to see.
No problem at all.
Good. We'll take it.
Can you excuse us for a minute, please?
- Of course. - Thanks.
This is a $5000 dress.
They're giving me an award for community service.
I don't wanna show up in some sort of extravagant, over-the-top gown.
That money can be used in so many other ways.
Tina, please.
Don't tell me what I can and cannot spend my own money on.
Do you know how much money I personally give away every year?
How many charities the Peabody Foundation sponsors?
I mean, it would give me the utmost pleasure...
...to buy you this dress. So please...
...be gracious enough to let me.
We'll take it.
Did I mention I invited Bette?
What?
Hey, Shane, come here.
- Hi. - Okay, I have something to tell you.
This one right here, she doesn't want to go.
- What? - Not going.
- You're going on that cruise. - I'm not going.
- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.
I don't want to. You know why?
I'm actually working on something that's important to me.
I don't wanna fuck around anymore, and I wanna be serious about my work.
Fuck it.
- If you're not going, I'm not going. - What?
Wait a minute! Now, come back here. If you don't go and if you don't go...
...then I'm not gonna go, and I wanted to go.
I guess Dana and Alice are gonna have to be pissed...
- ...because no one's gonna go. - My God! Jewish guilt!
- I'm not going if you aren't going! - I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go. We're gonna be...
We're gonna be a fucking threesome, man.
I don't know, but we're both still taking ginger, no matter what, all right?
And just in case, I've got these two things for seasickness.
- You're not gonna get seasick. - Okay.
There's no reason for both of us to take things like toothpaste...
...or razors or Q-tips or hand sanitizer.
Al?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Yes, there is.
Let's work this out before we get on the boat that sinks with you mad at me.
Alice.
Look, I am a wreck about this cruise, and you're not helping.
How would you feel, Dana...
...if I came down and I just interrupted one of your matches?
Or corrected one of your shots?
Okay, is this about me talking on your show?
You were interrupting me.
And you didn't even respect the fact that it was my gig.
And I feel like I'm always there for you.
I'm really sorry.
I'm such an ass.
- It's all right. - Sorry, I just hate these cruises.
I just get really seasick and scared, you know?
You don't have to be scared.
I'm gonna be there to take care of you, baby.
Look at it this way, no one ever got sick on The Love Boat.
Actually, that's not true.
Corey Parker, he played the ship's doctor...
...he was horribly seasick.
No, no, no. The ship's doctor was Bernie Kopell, Dr. Adam Bricker.
Right, and then Corey Parker played Dr. John Morgan, his replacement.
It was the sequel, Love Boat.- The Next Wave.
Well, yeah, but that doesn't count.
If it doesn't have Gopher and lsaac Washington...
...and Captain Merrill Stubing, that's not The Love Boat.
- Don't forget Julie. - Right.
Hello.
Really?
- Hey. - Hey.
You scared me.
How's the packing coming along?
What's up with you?
You're liable to hear shit about me while you're gone...
...and since I won't be there to defend myself, I just...
I don't want you to think I'm a total asshole.
- What did you do? - Can't tell you.
I'm sorry.
I promise you you'll find out eventually, though.
You're being really intense and cryptic right now.
Yeah, well, that's my style, really intense and cryptic.
That's how I get all the ladies.
Yeah.
Shane...
...l just want you to know that...
That I'm your friend.
I'm your friend too.
You think Stubing got more women or the doctor?
- No, the doctor did not get women. - He got so many.
No, no, no. Captain Stubing and Julie were not having an affair, okay?
Did you ever watch the show? Captain Stubing was married.
Right, but supposedly somebody was a big homo.
What?
- Who cares? - What?
Why do we say it like being a homo is some dirty secret?
Thank you. Exactly.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
This is fantastic. We're all carrying on.
- This is great. - What? No, no. No, I'm checking.
I'm checking.
Your bag will totally fit in the overhead compartment.
- No, it's too heavy. - No, it's not.
- Do you want me to take it? I'll switch. - No, I don't. Just...
I don't wanna put it through security.
- Why? - I just don't.
Fine. You're gonna hold everyone up.
- No one else is checking. - Alice!
- Excuse me. - Al! Al!
Goddamn it.
Alice.
Daddy.
What a nice surprise.
How are you?
- I'm very well. And you? - I'm good. I'm so happy you're here.
I'm gonna take you to the office...
...where we're gonna see an amazing painting...
...that I have on loan from the Getty.
And then we're gonna have lunch with an incredible artist.
You remember Allen Barnes?
- Is he the painter? - No, it's not her painting.
The painting is 14th century, by Dosso Dossi.
No, Allen Barnes was my teacher at Yale.
She's probably one of our most important living artists.
Never heard of her.
She's the reason I wanted to go into the arts.
I thought that was your mother's influence.
She was a great artist.
You remember her watercolours, don't you?
Of course I do, Daddy. I have all of them.
Please go through. Please go through.
Step through please, ma'am. Come on.
Hold it there. Okay, go over to the side, please, if you would.
- Thank you. - Dana, nobody cares about medication.
Thank you. All right, go ahead.
Put your arms up. Thank you.
- Next, please. - Come back. I...
- This is your fault. - What?
Faye, come here.
- Thanks. - I think we've got something here.
Looks suspicious. What is it, some kind of a weapon?
Ladies, could you step over here, please?
What the hell is...?
- Oh, no. - You just... it...
- Okay? - I like the sound of that.
Great.
- Yeah. Nipple clamps. - What?
When did you get those?
Baby.
You can't take these on the plane. You should know better than that.
Okay, ma'am, you can go ahead and pack this back up.
Great.
- Have fun. - Yeah, good, thanks.
Melvin, you're missing the point of the painting.
It's about the fleetingness of fortune.
I just see it differently.
You don't think that the man in the painting is enjoying his life?
I don't. Of course I don't.
He looks miserable.
Spiritually void.
The only true abundance is harmony with God.
So faith assures prosperity, is that what you're saying?
Figuratively speaking, yes.
There it is. The dangling carrot of the Ashcroft and the Bushies.
I beg your pardon.
I have nothing in common with the Ashcrofts or the Bushies.
It's mercenary Christianity. Keeping us mortals enthralled...
...through a combination of fear and payola.
Makes me wanna go back into a cave and never come out.
That would be your prerogative, madam.
Daddy?
Where are you going?
Here, come on.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
We're right here.
Actually, I... l liked the painting very much.
Oh, good. I'm glad.
She just wanted to make me feel ignorant.
Your mother and I, we had some heavy arguments.
Smartest woman I ever met.
But she was never condescending.
Daddy...
...if you loved her so much, then why did you let her leave?
Why didn't you try to salvage the marriage?
- You wouldn't understand. - Give me a chance.
You would've had to have experienced that bond of marriage...
...to appreciate how much I hurt your mother.
I think I might be able to understand that, Daddy.
I made a reservation for us at 8...
...at a restaurant called Angelina Osteria. They have...
I'd prefer to eat at the hotel restaurant tonight. That is, if you don't mind.
Okay. Whatever you want.
And how about seeing if Katie could join us?
You want Kit to come to dinner with us?
Yeah. I'd like to see her.
Well, her boyfriend's in town.
He's only here for a couple of days, so...
Well, she should bring him too.
I'll call her.
You know, Daddy, I'm struck by the fact...
...that you just invited Kit's boyfriend to come to dinner...
...and she's been seeing him a short while...
...but you have not yet said a word about Tina.
Well, of course you're welcome to bring her too, if that's what you wish.
We split up.
Well, then I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
Nothing.
You're not supposed to say anything.
Can you believe this? We're actually on a cruise.
Jenny, it's gonna be fun!
I've got my little...
it's Phoebe Sparkle.
Wait, I wanna see if she makes that girl come.
- Can she do that? - I'm kidding, Dana.
Oh, my God.
Ladies, welcome to OWLS. It stands for "Older Wiser Lesbians."
We talk about how spirituality and sexuality are combined.
And our definition of "orgasm" is that it is the kiss of God...
...that brings ecstasy to consciousness...
Have a nice time.
- Dana. - There's Dana Fairbanks.
- There they are. All right. - Oh, I...
Hi. All right.
Hi, how are you? I'm Alice. Nice to meet you.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
Can I borrow your uniform later for a surprise?
Yeah, sure.
- Yeah? We'll talk? - Yeah, sure.
Okay. Excellent.
Oh, God.
I thought we were supposed to have a suite.
Well, I have an idea.
Why don't we all sleep together...
...and, Carmen, you can sleep in the middle.
I'm gonna go explore.
Even for Jenny, she's acting weird.
Oh, my God. This is sweet.
"Welcome aboard, Dana Fairbanks and friends.
We hope you enjoy your time with us. From Olivia Cruise.
P.S., Thank you, Alice, for talking up our cruise on your show."
- That was nice. - Yeah, I made it up.
Yes, the woman in the back.
Miss Sparkle, is it possible to be in a committed relationship...
...and still carry on a polyamorous lifestyle?
It's certainly possible.
The most important thing is to know that jealousy will rear its head.
You have to agree with your primary loved one...
...to be honest about your feelings and you have to make rules.
Woman in yellow.
Dana Fairbanks, will you marry me?
Sure. No, I'm sorry.
Thank you, actually, very much...
...but I'm in one of those committed relationships.
And we're not " polyamorphic" or whatever it is.
Well, that also works...
...but I'm guessing that Dana and her partner...
...know how to spice things up.
All right, we have time for one more question. Right there.
Miss Sparkle, what is your advice on three-ways?
Well, I think they're great. I'm a big, big fan of group sex.
The only thing is that all parties have to be signed on for the same agenda.
That's the end of our panel for today. Thank you all for being here.
It's been a pleasure.
You should really see Disney Hall, Daddy.
Okay, but not too early.
Since when did you become a sleepyhead?
I do have to get back by 5 to get dressed. Tina's being honoured.
Don't you wanna know why Tina's being honoured?
Yes, certainly, if you wanna tell me.
Katie.
Daddy.
Daddy, I'd like for you to meet my friend, Benjamin Bradshaw.
- Mr. Bradshaw. - Nice to meet you, sir.
Thank you.
- Hey, baby sis. - Kit.
Now...
...how did you conceive it...
...this Theory of Everything?
Are you familiar with quantum physics?
- Oh, then it is the unified field theory. - The unified what theory?
Simply Einstein's attempt to explain the mind of God.
Well, that's a marvellous way of looking at it.
It includes everything:
From creation to supernovas to atoms...
Even DNA.
Our hearts, our minds.
It's really been working for me.
Did you tell your father about your business?
Business? What business?
Well, Daddy, it's a café.
I bought it from a friend of Bette's.
It's not just a café. Kit has turned it into this swanky nightclub.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
She has a stage up there, and if you take the tables away...
- Hey, you two. - Oh, my.
Hey, how are you?
- And where is Benjamin this morning? - Well, he's at the hotel.
He decided that we might like a little family time together.
Daddy, have a seat.
And how about you, baby sis?
I didn't sleep very well. I need an espresso.
He's staying at a hotel? He doesn't live here?
No, Dad, he lives in Portland, Oregon.
Portland, Oregon? What's in Portland, Oregon?
- Well, he... - it's probably what he needs.
When he's working, there are people clamouring after him...
...and he probably just needs to get away.
Makes perfect sense.
- Have you been to Portland? - No, not yet.
I need that espresso. Do you mind?
Yeah, yeah. An espresso.
You can't tell him Benjamin's married. He's so happy now.
I hate lying to him.
This is the first time in 14 years you've spent time with Daddy.
- Doesn't it feel good? - Yeah, it feels real good.
Then why don't you just enjoy it for a while. And let him enjoy it.
Here you go, Daddy.
It's so... So small, I can hardly pick it up.
Katie, why don't we have dinner here tonight?
Yeah.
I would like to try out your chef...
...and your sister here has a prior engagement with Ms. Kennard.
Daddy, do you think you could call her Tina?
That's her name, Tina.
For the millionth time, her name is Tina. How long have you known her?
Very well. Tina.
Would Benjamin be able to join us?
You know, I'm just gonna leave you two to plan your evening.
- Bette. - What's wrong?
You have no regard for what I'm going through, Daddy.
None. And until you can acknowledge that my relationship of eight years...
...was as meaningful as your marriage...
...until you see my heart is broken because I failed the woman I love...
...perhaps in the way you failed my mother...
...then I really have nothing else to say. Except, you know, I am not giving up.
I'm not gonna end up sad and alone and full of regret.
Oh, I want one of those.
Dana Fairbanks? Oh, my... Thank you for being here.
Thank you for coming out. And thank you for living your life.
I saw you almost beat Capriati in 2002. it was awesome.
- I drive a Subaru because of you. - Phoebe?
Hi. Sparkle?
Hi. I'm Alice Pieszecki.
I do a radio show in L.A., The Chart. I'm sure you've heard of it.
Is it true for research that you sleep with a different woman every night?
Well, I like to have as much sex as possible, whenever, wherever...
...but if I come across someone really amazing...
I don't know, too bad the cellist had to leave the boat.
And who's going to be next?
You know, I don't know. I'm open to a new discovery.
Hi. Have you seen Jenny?
No. I'm talking to Phoebe Sparkle, though.
- Hello. - Hello, Phoebe Sparkle.
- You haven't seen her? - No.
Can I buy you a drink?
- Okay. - Great.
Thanks, Shane.
She offered.
Well, well, well. What have we got here?
Well, it looks like a captain's uniform to me.
- Alice. - That's hot.
Okay.
- All right, Al, I'm ready. - Okay.
Julie.
You look beautiful.
Oh, Captain Stubing, thank you.
Captain Stubing.
Oh, God, is that a periscope in your pocket...
...or are you just happy to see me?
O captain! My captain!
- Guys, it's time for dinner. - What?
- You're sitting at the captain's table. - Now?
- Hi. - You're late.
- The other panellists are already there. - I have to change.
- You look great. - No, I can't...
- Come on. - Julie!
Captain Stubing!
Most of the women on this cruise, they don't have that kind of freedom.
This is the only place...
...where they're completely free to express themselves.
Hi. How do you do? Thank you.
- Hello. Good evening. - Hi.
- Nice to see you. - Hi.
Thank you.
See, these girls are completely in their power.
Free to go wherever their libido takes them.
You know, for me, it's just business.
And as long as the guests are happy, I'm happy.
You wanna tell me what's going on with you?
Nothing.
- Nothing? - No.
Okay.
Well, it just...
it seems like you want a three-way with Shane.
You seemed like you were very attracted to her...
...and I just thought it would be interesting. it came into my head.
- Are you jealous? - No.
- Is that what this is about? - I'm not.
- Just tell me. - I'm not jealous. I just thought...
We have to explore our options.
There.
- Is that what you want? - She's beautiful.
Salad's great.
My new dress.
How are you? Nice to see you. Nice to see you. How are you?
- Nice to see you. - Thank you. Thanks a lot.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
- Hi. - Congratulations.
Thank you. it means a lot to me that you're here.
I wouldn't have missed it.
I've been thinking a lot about us.
- You have? - About the other day.
It was nice.
- Nice? - Yeah, it was really, really nice.
And if you want, I'd like to see what would happen...
...if we started to spend some more time together.
- What about Helena? - We're not exclusive.
So are you saying you wanna date me?
Yeah.
Tina, you have to meet Senator Feinstein. She's not staying.
- Hello, Bette. - Hello, Helena.
Thank you for inviting me.
- You're at table 27, right? - Right.
So let's get out of here.
Thank you.
Captain Stubing, what are we gonna do...
...about this hard-on you've been sporting?
I don't know, Julie.
Let's go.
We can't. it's rude.
I'm going nuts. I don't know how much longer I can stand it.
Helena! Helena, lovely to see you.
Nice to see you. How are you?
You know, I was just remarking last night that turnout tonight...
Oh, no. No, no, no. Not artists. Not artists.
Curators have to deal with...
Oh, God, Captain Stubing, I want your big dick inside me so bad.
Oh, fuck.
I just hope my wife, Marion Ross, doesn't find out.
No, Marion Ross was the actress. The character's name is Emily.
Oh, God.
Oh, my...
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
- Oh, God. - Oh, God.
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, God. - Oh, God.
- Oh, no. - What?
Oh, no.
- Oh, God! - God!
Okay, I'm coming, baby. I'm coming.
Hey.
You trying to top me?
What, you think you're gonna top me?
Shit. Look, I have a favour to ask of you.
- Yeah? - Things are a little...
They're a little different in my room.
And I see that you have a couch.
Yes?
- Well, would you mind? - You wanna crash on my couch?
As in sleep? Just sleep?
No. Sleep, entirely.
You know what, that sounds fantastic to me.
- I am completely exhausted. - Okay, good.
Thank you so much. You have no idea.
No, thank you. Hey, just do me one favour.
- Don't tell anybody. - No.
- I swear. I won't say anything. - Excellent.
- Thank you. - Oh, thank you.
- Sleep well. - You too.
Dad, is...? You're not eating your dinner.
Is there something wrong with it?
Oh, it's delicious. I'm just taking my time.
Excuse me.
Daddy!
And she secured the largest ever grant...
...in California history to establish daycare centres for at-risk kids.
No.
No, no. Come to the hospital. Cedars.
Okay.
Ms. Tina Kennard.
Would all five of our honourees please join me up here on the dais?
These five individuals...
...are extraordinary in their ability to walk in many worlds...
...and to hold the big vision that unites diverse communities.
They inspire all of us...
...to rise above divisions and differences.
It is my honour to present this year's community activist awards.
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm just gonna get my keys.
What are you doing?
What are those?
- They're cameras. - What are with all the tapes?
There's something that I need to show you, and...
And then, after that, I don't know. You'll probably want me out of here.
- It's gonna take me a day... - What's going on, Mark?
I just finished taking down the last of the cameras.
I pretty much had them all over the house.
Jenny saw a tape I'd made of the two of you.
Oh, shit.
She didn't want me to tell you because she didn't wanna ruin your vacation.
Jenny, wait a minute, listen to me.
If you heard this tape or this conversation...
...then you know exactly what I said.
I said that it is fun and easy to be with you.
That I want to make it work with you.
It's okay...
...that we're not meant to be together.
And I know that the only reason why you're with me...
...is because you wanna be near Shane.
That is bullshit, Jenny.
Shane is my best friend...
...and I don't wanna fuck it up.
Okay?